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8:06 a.m. - 2007-09-18
tix

I was looking up tickets online for a few shows I want to see in the coming months and I saw that Hannah Montana was coming to the area. Analise loves Hannah Montana. She's like the newer younger less skanky version of Brittany Spears.

I thought it would be great fun to take her and Sammy and perhaps a friend for each of them to the show. Her first concert (well, besides Santana but we don't count that because she was only two) should be something she really enjoys - even if I want to shoot myself in the face while listening to the poppy crap.

I told Ani and Sammy about the show and they were "yay! fun! yes!" and then I took them to school, came home, and looked up ticket prices. One of those things I should have done before telling them I was going to take them. Holy fucking hell. Cheapest seats? $289.00. And there are seats up to $8,800. Are you kidding me?? I have never ever paid that much to see even my favorite bands play. I think fifty bucks is too much. A couple hundred for a Disney Channel pop princess? No freakin' way. That girl must eat off gold plates and wipe with dollar bills.

Now...how do I tell Ani the concert is a no go???

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5:44 a.m. - 2007-09-18
spt bathrooms 2 illusion

For Self Portrait Challenge:

On a family vacation with my daughter, my father, his soon-to-be bride, and her daughter - there was only one place to hide and find some peace and that was in the white tiled bathroom. I spent a few hours in there a night I think.

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10:35 p.m. - 2007-09-17
right

So Bill and I had ourselves a long talk tonight. He called to check up on me a few times during the day, insisted I try to eat and get rest, etc. We were deliberately polite and vague with one another. It broke my freaking heart.

So tonight we talked for about an hour about whats been going on with us. It all comes back to the same thing in the end - my trust issues and my self-esteem problems. Both things that are wired in me since childhood, gigantic mountainous issues that I don't even have a clue how to get over.

In the end, I told him I was going to step back and give him space for awhile. He told me that wasn't what he was saying he wanted or needed but I'm pretty sure that is the right thing to do.

I was so excited about this boy. Really. I get excited about lots of boys but this one I actually had hope for and that is something I never have. BUT we've been together seven months. I have been in a deep depression for five of those. And we haven't spoke to one another in the last two weeks because he has finally lost his patience with me and is now angry with me about the Jeb situation (okay, gotta give him that one, he has every right to be) and about my lack of trust in him. Why shouldn't he be?? This weekend I was convinced he was with another woman. I mean, c'mon, it was all suspicious and I don't think I'm the only woman who would jump to that conclusion. Yet, he's told me over and over again that if it got to the point where he was feeling distant from me and was attracted to another woman, he would sit down and talk to me about it rather than cheat on me. That he would let me know there was a problem and/or end it first. And I still can't trust him, even though he's very candid with me.

Right.

So this is me trying to do the right thing for once in my life.

Fucking hell. It hurts though, don't it?

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8:20 a.m. - 2007-09-17
Im just full of bad ideas

I held down water last night and woke up this morning absolutely starving. I decided to chug two big glasses of orange juice. In the words of Ron Bergundy, Anchorman, "I immediately regret this decision".

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7:49 p.m. - 2007-09-16
sickness dickheads and booze

What a long long weekend this turned out to be.

I spent Thursday night at Bill's house. It was the first time we had seen each other in over a week. Every phone conversation we had that week was a long drawn out argument that ended with him erupting in anger. He's frustrated beyond reason with me and his frustration has turned into rage.

Thursday night was good though. Better than good. We didn't talk about any of the things we had been arguing over all week. We watched movies and made love and held each other. That is how it should be. Always.

But, of course, it isn't.

So Friday morning I gave him another good-bye make out session and hit the road for Krispy's house. I can't even explain how good it felt to just walk in the door and have her throw her arms around me. She is one of the more level headed people I associated with and always there to listen to my constant stream of woes and worries. She's also always there to thump me in the head and say, "Dump the jerk" or "Stop acting stupid". Sometimes I need that. Sometimes it doesn't matter who tells me a guy is bad news for me - I'm gonna love him and stay with him until I decide it's over.

Friday night we had dinner with Krispy's mom, who Ani has dubbed Biscuit and drank several glasses of wine with dinner and laughed and talked until my jaw hurt. Having girl buddies is something I desperately miss. Matt's a good pal and all but there's certain things he and I will never be able to discuss. Like my relationships.

After dinner, Krispy's brother and several of his friends met up with us at the bar and I proceeded to get royally sloshed despite my earlier resolution to swear off alcohol forever. Hey, it was free drinks. I was with Krispy who I haven't seen in months. I was out of my town. I wanted some fun dammit.

Many games of Ms. Pacman were lost. I stubbed my toe and the doctor of the group (umm he's a radiologist) spent a good ten minutes holding my toe and telling me it would be fine, just fine. Much eating of junk food, telling of bad jokes, and flirtation ensued.

I called Bill before bed but he didn't answer and then I passed out. Well....I passed out after spending three hours flirting with one of Krispy's friends, Brenden, in the basement. Don't answer my phone calls?? Ha, take THAT! Lame, I know. I woke up the next morning with the hangover from hell...and the beginnings of what I thought was a cold. Called Bill. He didn't answer. Went to lunch with Krispy and Biscuit at this amazing Japanese/Chinese/Thai place near their house. Drooled over the Japanese shirts they sold that I couldn't afford. Called Bill. And guess what? He didn't answer. Okay, that was jusssst about the time when I started getting obsessive and worried. I'm bad about that.

So I called and called and called and never got an answer. Sent him text messages that he didn't reply to (which, by the way I could see he had read and when he read them). Finally I left him a message on his phone telling him it was a bunch of crap that he wasn't answering or calling me back.

Biscuit talked me into turning my phone off so I wouldn't keep staring at it with a hopeful expression on my face. Bridesmaid dress shopping was cancelled when both Krispy and I decided that laying in our pajamas in front of the television all night was definitely a better idea. Whoops, guess we'll worry about those later, huh.

By the time bedtime on Saturday rolled around my cold was much worse. And Bill had called and left me a message telling me it was complete bullshit for me to be upset with him and that he had a busy morning and was somewhere that didn't get reception all day. ....Um. Right. And I was born yesterday.

Woke up at four a.m. sick as a dog who had eaten too many jello shots (like my sister's pit bull once did). Everything hurt. I couldn't breathe out my nose and I was so dehydrated I could barely talk. I decided by eight that I was hitting the road. Much better to be home in my own bed as the illness creeped in then six hours north of it.

Hugged Krispy good-bye and sadly promised to see her in a few months when she comes to the states again. It took me nearly eight hours to get home because I had to keep stopping to get sick. That and I had taken tons of medicine and I kept dozing off. FUN!

And now I'm finally home (thankfully) and I received "The Classic Crews Collection" in the mail while I was gone. Which means I'm getting straight into bed, back into p.j.s and reading and trying to keep some water down.

Oh, of course, Bill didn't call today. All day. I finally sent him a text message when I got home telling him I was back, I was sick, call when he could. Three hours later he finally called and our conversation went pretty much like this:

"Hi."

"Hey. I'm sick."

"I can tell by your voice."

long silence

"Um, how was your weekend? What did you do?"

"Not much. There were lots of mosquitoes out".

WHAT??? What the fuck do mosquitoes have to do with anything?? Dude, I'm asking did you decide to cheat on me? Were you shacked up all weekend with some other girl and that's why you couldn't be bothered to pick up the fucking phone and call me???

"Okay. Well I'm going to bed I think."

"Drink lots of water. Bye."

Click.

Yup. Two days of silence and that is all I got.

I'm so disappointed. I had high hopes for this one.

****9:00 p.m. *****************

Krispy, Biscuit, and I had a long talk on Saturday afternoon (we were at the restaurant for hours) about happiness/love/self-love. Krispy has the healthiest view of it I have ever heard. She says to be happy you have to want to. Just give up on the bad, leave the people who aren't good for you, and start thinking positively. She also has the best body image out of everyone I know. "The way I see it - this is what I got and hating it and complaining about it won't change it."

It all makes sense. But how to go about doing it? I haven't a clue.

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before//after

previously...
1 - 2007-10-16
........................ - 2007-10-15
.............. - 2007-10-15
sunday time fillers - 2007-10-14
click it - 2007-10-13